Dear friends,

I have always considered this website (& the many others I have had) as a diary, a journal, a book. & as all books come to an ending, this one must as well. Xanga has opened a whole new world to me~ it has been there for me whenever I needed it~ when I was happy, when I was sad, when all I had was the little keys to punch away at~ it was here~ & it helped me very much so.

But it also hurt me. Because of it, ppl were able to pose as others & emotionally hurt me, leading me to hurt myself. It led to an obbsession that lasted for yrs, it lead to 1 thing that I regret most of all~ a broken heart. Through out the whole time, my father was reading my site~ every entry, every word. & a lot of the entrys were about him~ how much I hated him, how much resentment I had towards him, how much I wish he wasn't apart of my life~ how much I wish he would disappear.

What I didn't understahnd was that every hateful word I wrote~ would leave a scar on his heart~ for he did care, he just didn't know how to show it. We never did see eye to eye~ & untill last night~ we never would have~ if it weren't for last night.

My mother, my father, & I had a very long descussion~ & through his words, something happened~ he would probably never admit it, due to his pride, but the color of his face chaanged to a red~ his eyes became wet, & his voice started to crack~ for the 1st time ever, I saw my father cry.

Knowing my father for 14 yrs, I know he is a very tough man. He has a lot of pride, & is very intelligent. He is the last person on earth I would think could cry~ I had doubted if he was even capable of doing so~ but to know that it teared him up, him thinking I hated him, hurt him so bad he cryed. I started to cry.

So dad, for all of the entrys full of hate & loath I put upon you~ I know I can never take back~ you printed it! LOL. But you als read it, & I can't take my words out of your mind... hopefully you won't be able to forget this as well.

You have made me so mad. You have made me so hurt, & so tortured in my own home, I have cryed myself to sleep at night~ sometimes, you make my life a living hell, & sometimes, I wish I wasn't even here.

But what is different now, is that I understand you~ I actually know you do it because you care~ untill you told me what experiences you've had in lfie, I never believed you did, I fugured you had them, but I couldn't ever imagine how horrific they were untill you told me~ & I can honestly say, if I had gone through some of the stuff that you have~ I wouldn't be able to deal with it as much as well as you do.

You have always been there for me~ I just most of the time don't realize it~ when you are so overprotective with me, I undertstand exactly why you go overboard~ I understand a lot now~ & even as I write this & re-read it, it seems so obviouse, or as some would say,. "duh" said, but it is so much more than that~ & right now, I feel more loved by you than a lot of children do by their parents, I know you & mom love me the same, but for once, I feel as if you care about me more, not that mom cares about me less, or not enough, just that you overfill the glas, you don't take any chances, you are a great father, & I don't know how I went 14 yrs believeing otherwise.

I know our opinions differ, & sometimes we both mis handle our words~ you to my face, me on the internet, either way, we both are aware of the other ones discretion & therefore we are equally guilty~ I just always figured I was aloud because I was the kid~ liek that gave me some sort of privallige or something~ something that I now know is morally wrong, just because a kid doesn't get pinned on it, in god's eyes, doesnt make it right.

If you dont mind dad, i would really liek to have a discussion (key word discussion not argument!!!) LOL. about my church~ I have heard what you have to say~ I would really liek to have you hear what I have to say for once, (you do tend to take over the conersation) lol. I would like to show you in the bible what verses it says about tounges, & why I believe it is a good thing~ again, I know now that you're not just trying to correct me & make me mad, you are trying to fix a problem that you feel is not right, you just come off as if that is anything but your intension.

I know what happened was a terrible experience, (for you internet readers who dont knwo what Im talking about, a friend of mine was worried & told a teacher about my dad & me having some problems & was "suspected" of child abuse, but everything turned out ok, & it was a false accusation) but maybe, it happened for a reason~ I know you think I am a little silly in my beliefs, but maybe, just maybe, this happened so that me & you could become closer & peace would come in this house.. I have a little story I would liek to tell you.

At church, I have been talking with a lot of my pastors, & they have been trying to help me, last riday night, I talked to 2 women~ they both prayed with me & said that I need to pray to god~ & say, "God, I am starting a new day, I pray that you will help me in building a better relationship with my father~ I knwo I can't do this, so god, I am putting it in your hands, I am giving it all to you" so I did, I would pray, & tell God this, & the woman also said "In time, god will take care of it, & things might get worst before they get better"  key words: they might get worst before they get better... that is exactly what happened here~ see dad, dont worry, god is watching us, he has us in his grasp~ he loves us both, & he has a plan for both of us~ & it involves us being together.

I love you dad. With all my heart, I want you to know that, no matter how much I say I hate you, I really love you~ I always doubted if I did or not, but you know Im a drama queen, &  make myself believe things that just arent right.. I really love you dad, I know my life would be different without you, & Im just sorry we had to go through all of this for me to figure this out~ I am really sorry. & I really love you.

As for the rest of you, I am sorry I am leaving, but I feel I must. Something just tells me~ my time has come~ its time to go~ this site has lost most purpose, Im not sayin I will never return, I will prolly leave comments on your sites to tell you how I am & help out on your life crisises.. lol. So I feel the need for a "I will remmeber you" moment is in order...

Cinnamonflamez/theflava/Aliiiii*/Ali/Alison/w/e!! lol~ You have been here from the beginning! We started out hating each other, & now are friends~ very good friends at that~ you have tought me a lot & have given me a lot of advise~ till this day I won't wear Abercrombie!!! hahaha. I STILL dont know why! LOL!!! I love you sooo much & you are such an amazing person! Keep reaching your goals, doing what you want to do & not wearing abercrombie!! =D

Prrecious_peach21/Julianna/Ally- You are like a big sister to me, smeone I loko up to & can only hope to be liek when I am your age- your path with god, eveyrthing, is amazing, & you have given me the best advise ever! I love you soo much!!!! =D

Stardustfantasy/Lizze- I love you so much & can only hope that one day you will leanrt to love yourself & be happy with who you are, you still have a lot of issues to deal with & I hope they are delt with soon, I lvoe you & really care baout you1 MUAH!

I have to go, I am so sorry, "comp curfew" time... blaaah. I love you all! & have a nice life!

The end of Dream Fly.

xoxo whit*