Dear friends,

I have always considered this website (& the many others I have had) as a diary, a journal, a book. & as all books come to an ending, this one must as well. Xanga has opened a whole new world to me~ it has been there for me whenever I needed it~ when I was happy, when I was sad, when all I had was the little keys to punch away at~ it was here~ & it helped me very much so.

But it also hurt me. Because of it, ppl were able to pose as others & emotionally hurt me, leading me to hurt myself. It led to an obbsession that lasted for yrs, it lead to 1 thing that I regret most of all~ a broken heart. Through out the whole time, my father was reading my site~ every entry, every word. & a lot of the entrys were about him~ how much I hated him, how much resentment I had towards him, how much I wish he wasn't apart of my life~ how much I wish he would disappear.

What I didn't understahnd was that every hateful word I wrote~ would leave a scar on his heart~ for he did care, he just didn't know how to show it. We never did see eye to eye~ & untill last night~ we never would have~ if it weren't for last night.

My mother, my father, & I had a very long descussion~ & through his words, something happened~ he would probably never admit it, due to his pride, but the color of his face chaanged to a red~ his eyes became wet, & his voice started to crack~ for the 1st time ever, I saw my father cry.

Knowing my father for 14 yrs, I know he is a very tough man. He has a lot of pride, & is very intelligent. He is the last person on earth I would think could cry~ I had doubted if he was even capable of doing so~ but to know that it teared him up, him thinking I hated him, hurt him so bad he cryed. I started to cry.

So dad, for all of the entrys full of hate & loath I put upon you~ I know I can never take back~ you printed it! LOL. But you als read it, & I can't take my words out of your mind... hopefully you won't be able to forget this as well.

You have made me so mad. You have made me so hurt, & so tortured in my own home, I have cryed myself to sleep at night~ sometimes, you make my life a living hell, & sometimes, I wish I wasn't even here.

But what is different now, is that I understand you~ I actually know you do it because you care~ untill you told me what experiences you've had in lfie, I never believed you did, I fugured you had them, but I couldn't ever imagine how horrific they were untill you told me~ & I can honestly say, if I had gone through some of the stuff that you have~ I wouldn't be able to deal with it as much as well as you do.

You have always been there for me~ I just most of the time don't realize it~ when you are so overprotective with me, I undertstand exactly why you go overboard~ I understand a lot now~ & even as I write this & re-read it, it seems so obviouse, or as some would say,. "duh" said, but it is so much more than that~ & right now, I feel more loved by you than a lot of children do by their parents, I know you & mom love me the same, but for once, I feel as if you care about me more, not that mom cares about me less, or not enough, just that you overfill the glas, you don't take any chances, you are a great father, & I don't know how I went 14 yrs believeing otherwise.

I know our opinions differ, & sometimes we both mis handle our words~ you to my face, me on the internet, either way, we both are aware of the other ones discretion & therefore we are equally guilty~ I just always figured I was aloud because I was the kid~ liek that gave me some sort of privallige or something~ something that I now know is morally wrong, just because a kid doesn't get pinned on it, in god's eyes, doesnt make it right.

If you dont mind dad, i would really liek to have a discussion (key word discussion not argument!!!) LOL. about my church~ I have heard what you have to say~ I would really liek to have you hear what I have to say for once, (you do tend to take over the conersation) lol. I would like to show you in the bible what verses it says about tounges, & why I believe it is a good thing~ again, I know now that you're not just trying to correct me & make me mad, you are trying to fix a problem that you feel is not right, you just come off as if that is anything but your intension.

I know what happened was a terrible experience, (for you internet readers who dont knwo what Im talking about, a friend of mine was worried & told a teacher about my dad & me having some problems & was "suspected" of child abuse, but everything turned out ok, & it was a false accusation) but maybe, it happened for a reason~ I know you think I am a little silly in my beliefs, but maybe, just maybe, this happened so that me & you could become closer & peace would come in this house.. I have a little story I would liek to tell you.

At church, I have been talking with a lot of my pastors, & they have been trying to help me, last riday night, I talked to 2 women~ they both prayed with me & said that I need to pray to god~ & say, "God, I am starting a new day, I pray that you will help me in building a better relationship with my father~ I knwo I can't do this, so god, I am putting it in your hands, I am giving it all to you" so I did, I would pray, & tell God this, & the woman also said "In time, god will take care of it, & things might get worst before they get better"  key words: they might get worst before they get better... that is exactly what happened here~ see dad, dont worry, god is watching us, he has us in his grasp~ he loves us both, & he has a plan for both of us~ & it involves us being together.

I love you dad. With all my heart, I want you to know that, no matter how much I say I hate you, I really love you~ I always doubted if I did or not, but you know Im a drama queen, &  make myself believe things that just arent right.. I really love you dad, I know my life would be different without you, & Im just sorry we had to go through all of this for me to figure this out~ I am really sorry. & I really love you.

As for the rest of you, I am sorry I am leaving, but I feel I must. Something just tells me~ my time has come~ its time to go~ this site has lost most purpose, Im not sayin I will never return, I will prolly leave comments on your sites to tell you how I am & help out on your life crisises.. lol. So I feel the need for a "I will remmeber you" moment is in order...

Cinnamonflamez/theflava/Aliiiii*/Ali/Alison/w/e!! lol~ You have been here from the beginning! We started out hating each other, & now are friends~ very good friends at that~ you have tought me a lot & have given me a lot of advise~ till this day I won't wear Abercrombie!!! hahaha. I STILL dont know why! LOL!!! I love you sooo much & you are such an amazing person! Keep reaching your goals, doing what you want to do & not wearing abercrombie!! =D

Prrecious_peach21/Julianna/Ally- You are like a big sister to me, smeone I loko up to & can only hope to be liek when I am your age- your path with god, eveyrthing, is amazing, & you have given me the best advise ever! I love you soo much!!!! =D

Stardustfantasy/Lizze- I love you so much & can only hope that one day you will leanrt to love yourself & be happy with who you are, you still have a lot of issues to deal with & I hope they are delt with soon, I lvoe you & really care baout you1 MUAH!

I have to go, I am so sorry, "comp curfew" time... blaaah. I love you all! & have a nice life!

The end of Dream Fly.

xoxo whit*

Hey guys!  What's up? N2m here... jc with Amber. *waves rapidly*  LOL.  I am watching my bro again today... blah. Now that my dad works on Saturdays, he is makin me watch Damien on Saturdays... & he goes and plays on Sunday! Why is it that he gets to go play & I have to watch Damien? No, that just ain't gonna work for me.  LOL.

Last night my dad said some hurtful things.. but 1st of all have I ever said that my dad abuses me?! If so when!? He said last night, "Since you tell everyone on the internet that I abuse you, if you don't stop givin me that dirty look (what, was I supposed to be smiling? ) I'm goin t go over there & I will abuse you!"  or something like that... that's fine though, I would just love having the plesure of calling child services on his frickin ass....

So you know what... whatever.  If he "hates it here" as he so lovingly says, then fine, MOVE OUT!!!!! Atleast I wouldn't have to deal with this shyt anymore... I wouldn't have to deal with him calling me a bitch every frickin day... what a loving father... I'm tellin ya.

So oh well. Life goes on. Besides, I have my real father in my life now... my lord.

So whatever...

xoxo whit*

Omgsh guys.. last night was the most incredible night of my life! OYM rules!

It was so amazing.. & I really don't care who believes me, I don't care who thinks I am a phyco, I don't care what ppl say.. it happened to me, & you can't tell a peron who has experienced something as... wonderful, & amazing as this... that it didn't happen.. you can try, but you will never suscide..

I was possesed by the holy spirit.

1st let me tell you the whole story~ I was very upset last night~ all because of god experiences such as tounges. I felt as if I couldn't do it~ I believed it did happen, & could happen,  but it wouldn't for me~ Jordan (a friend from church) was praying with me, & I explained to her exactly what it was that was bugging me~ I was having the hardest time knowing if I was talking in tounges, or if the holy spirit was doing it for me~ I thought I was doing it myself, & that's not how it is supposed to happen~ it's supposed to be the holy spirit.

So then, after Ms. Liz came over & I explained this to her~ a girl, (Delina) started shouting in tounges~ the holy spirit used her to talk through~ & 2 ppl knew what she was saying~ they had recieved the gift of interrpertation~ & 1 of those 2 ppl were Ms. Liz.

Ms. Liz started laughing & said "God is funny"~ I didn't know what she meant by that, but I thought nothing of it.

Then as the other person who interrperted it came on stage & translated it for us~ me & Jordan looked at each other & started laughing! The man was telling us that she was saying that "you can't hold back rofm talking to god~ you all have the gift of tounges you just have to find it" & he was saying exactly what I was explaining to Jordan & Ms. Liz.. it was a true miracle~ & then Ms. Liz walked over to again & said "I told you God is funny" I was like "OMGSH!!!"

It was a true miracle.

& then, we who could speak in tounges were to come to the middle of the room, where we were going to all speak in tounges as loud as we could~ & I hesitated, I didn't think I could actually do it, but Jordan dragged me in, so I tryed... & suceeded.. more than you could ever believe!

On the count of 3 we were to all start puring our hearts out to God, in tounges. & so we all did~ including me, & I had such a weird feeling, liek a scarred but excited feeling~ & I felt something just telling me to let go, I was trying to hold my balance, but couldn't, & I don't know how but Jordan knew, she said "Don't hold back Whitney" & I finally let go & collapsed to the ground where someone caught me, & layed me down~ & I don't remember everything~ I can't remember if I just layed there for a while, or if I immidietly just started laughing & screaming in tounges, but I know I did~ I was on the floor for about 10 min, laughing histerically, & yelling in tounges~ & I had no control over it! It wasn't me speaking in tounges~ it was the holyspirit~ but I think I knew what I was saying all by the feeling I had~ "Thank you for giving me the gift I have been longing for for so long"  that's the feeling I had~ so maybe that's what I was saying~ but after it happend, they decided to do it again later, & I went down again! It was so amazing.

I finally understand everythingabout it~ how it feels, how it's done~ everything, & you won't be able to understand or makes sense of it~ that is, untill it's happened to you!

I would love to see my dad try to convice me this didn't happen~ he always trys to convince me that it can't happen~ & he started to make me believe it for a while~ but god saved me from that belief! He saved me, & I would love to see anyone try to bring me back down!!!!

xoxo whit*

Hey guys. Today was an interesting day... here's what happened:

Ok. So this morning it was raining... hard. & the bus drops us off @ school 25 min. before school starts.. so all the kids hang out before the bell. Well, me & a group of friends always meet in the same place every morning. Well, since it was raining, the bois thought it would be really funny if they through all the gurls out from the shelter, & into the rain.. so they did. & they were right.. it was fun! lol.  So, us gurls, started throughing the guys intot he water, well, we tryed anywho...  but evertime we tryed to shove the boys into the water, they would over power us forcing us in, making us even more soaked. So after we had our lil water war (actually after the teachers came out & told us to stop) my back was soaked, & my feet to a lil past my ankles were socked as well. So I was pretty freezing. So Colton (a friend) gave me a hug to warm me up~ but then he had his arm around my waist. & then we were all out there talking~ & then the bell rang~ & we were out there for a while, while everyone was getting to class.. I dont know why he wasnt letting go, but obviously he wanted to chat.. so then when everyone was gone, (we couldnt be late, there was hr today, thank god!) I said "I g2g to hr.." but he was still huggin me, so then he told me he liked me, & I dont even remmeber what I said.. & then I said I g2g, & looked up at him & then BAM.

he kissed me.

Just liek that~ lol. He just did it. I dont understand how guys have the guts to do that~ it makes me so thankful god made me a gurl. LOL!!!

So anywho, Im not sayin this as some magical story tha changed my love life forever.. mostly cause Colton frickin hangs all over every gurl he can & kisses the ones he can everyday... so I am saving myself the heartbreak & NOT going to let myself like him! LOL. Besides, I think I really like D... only I know that if I dated him it wouldnt work out, not only is my dad racist but he goes to another school.. I dont think we would see each other very much. So we are just good friends right now, we're gona spend time together with our friends & stuff, but thats it~ no dating... besides, I really rather not date someone who goes to a different school~ the best part of going to school when you have a bf, is knowing you are going to see him... so oh well, life goes on.

Everyone go here & read the article of "The crying boy" it is so frickin freaky!!! Its awesome!

xoxo whit*

Hey guys. Man, I have been so sad lately.. I'm not even entirly sure why. I just have had the worst past days ever.. I can't smile.. I can't laugh.. the only smile ppl get outta me are fake lil hal grins... I can't be happy. & the reason is so0o0o0o gay...

I have always been grown up to believe that you don't need a man.. to be independent.. but I feel as if I have failed that expectaion greatly.. I am so lonely.. ever since Brandon left, & I knew what love was, I have had such an empty gap in my heart.. & a couple guys came & went, but none of them were the same, then Aaron came along & he literally took my breathe away... he gave me the same feeling that Brandon did, & I have been looking for the feeling for so long.....

I'm not complaining that no guys like me.. I actually know a couple of guys that do.. Nick, the other Nick, Nathan, the other Nathan, Daniel, D, ... I think thats it. lol.  So Im not complaining that noone likes me, no, I know some guys do, Im just really sad because I dont like any of those guys.. & the one that I might like, I cant date because of my stupid father's racist beliefs.  & its not liek I could sneak it because he goes to a different school than me, so we would barely see eahc other. So its not liek thats an option. Go figure, anything to ruin my life huh dad? grrr I am so mad at myself right now.

I went to the hospital today & got a somogram or whatever its called.. the xray thing they do for preganebt ladies.. lol. But Im not preganent.. lol. It was for a cyst that I have. How annoying. lol. So I have to take my Algebra 1 & Physical Science exams tomorrow.. more joy...

So I sit here.. depressed... for no reason at all..

xoxo whit*